Note to readers: There is nothing written below that did not undergo the approval and scrutiny of my dear wife. So although it is written in first person, the views presented in this paper represent both mine and my wife's.

Our obeisances are to all our readers, and especially to mother Pritha, with whom we have never had any personal discussion or correspondence. Hare Krishna - om tat sat.

Our Marriage

by Krishna-kirti das (HDG)

Before I ever heard of Hare Krishna, Prabhupada, or ISKCON, I always had a desire to go to India. I could not exactly say why, but my little contact with the scripture and religious lore of the East was enough to convince me that in India was a way of life that was profoundly spiritual and philosophically vast. I was anxious to see this culture, and my travels abroad from my home country were for discovering this wisdom and discovering my true self.

Before I got to India, I met devotees and soon joined ISKCON. The ultimate goal of my life was fulfilled, but I still had a desire to see the cradle of Krishna-consciousness-India. Before going, one devotee told me that life in India is so austere that I would be running back to America for the prasadam. Another devotee told me that I would be sick all the time and recommended I only go for two weeks. I stayed for 6 years. During that time, I married.

Many, if not most of us, in the brahmacari ashrama come to a point in our lives when we understand whether or not we need to marry. But after deciding that one should get married, actually getting married is not so easy. I have seen many of my peers put on white but go for years without marrying. Their situation seemed to me to be a kind of limbo - the "fifth ashrama" - you were neither regarded as a brahmacari, nor were you actually a grhastha. Since you were not regarded as a brahmacari, no one expected you to be strict, and because you were not married, you didn't have any responsibilities. Thus, the "fifth ashrama" seemed to be frought with dangers because if one was not very strong in his Krishna-consciousness, he could easily fall into a life where he could associate freely with women, keep money, an apartment, etc., without having to perform the duties of the grihastha ashrama, which are meant to help purify us.

On the other hand, I have seen many devotee couples who have made their own arrangements, quickly marry, and later end up divorcing. Srila Prabhupada himself was so put off by this regular illicit behavior that by 1973 he was no longer sanctioning marriages but instead warning devotees that if they want to marry, they must do so at their own risk. Since marriages made by mutual agreement (love marriages) seemed to have the most chance of failing, I thought it best to simply marry whomever my authorities thought was suitable and adjust later to the arrangement.

So, one day, in Bombay, I confided in a senior devotee in whom I had much trust, and he immediately volunteered to help find a girl for me. Other senior devotees also came forward to help. By noon the same day, my future wife's name was suggested. I was given her details: she was an initiated devotee for more than 10 years, spending most of her time serving in the Bombay temple. Her authorities spoke highly of her as very qualified. I said, "Why not?"

Soon there was an interview where we could have a first meeting and discuss the proposal. My wife and a close friend of hers had a list of questions-all about how I would maintain her after marriage, what would I do if the institution decided to no longer maintain us, etc. There were no spiritual questions, just questions dealing with the practical nuts and bolts of day-to-day married life. She grilled me: "You know what Prabhuapda said you have to give women in a marriage. Are you prepared to give me all that?" I have to confess that I was startled by her straightforwardness, but it was our philosophy, so I had to accept. Then came my turn. I asked, "Do you know how to cook?" They both laughed. My wife blushed, "Yes, I can cook." And that concluded the meeting.

The first contact I had with my wife's relatives was a letter from her cousin brother, warning me very sternly: "In India, marriage means ONLY ONCE." Later, after the approval of her guru maharaja, mine, and those who were our immediate authorities, we had an engagement ceremony wherin we exchanged garlands. Actually, according to shastra, an exchange of garlands is considered marriage, but since such marriages are forbidden in Kali yuga, six months later we would have the full marriage.

There are eight forms of marriage mentioned in the scripture Manu-smrti, but only one process of marriage, brahma or rajasika marriage, is now current. Other kinds of marriage-by love, by exchange of garlands or by kidnapping the bride-are now forbidden in this Kali age.(SB 3.22.16 purport)

My mother sister, and a friend of hers came from my side, about 150 relatives came from my wife's side, and from our real family, the devotees, about 70 - 80 devotees came, and it was hosted by the Delhi temple. My wife's spiritual master, Gopal Krishna Maharaj, gave the lecture. My wife's older sister (also a devotee) and another devotee friend of hers stole my shoes. (A friendly custom perpetrated by the sisters of the bride, who later give back the shoes after receiving a hefty ransom for them.) Later at the wedding reception I had to give silver rings to my wife's cousin sisters.

Both of us were devotees, so we had that in common. Inpsite of the cultural differences (she being born and brought up in India, and me being from the West) wasn't long before we found out how different we were from each other. She was gregarious and loved preaching at social events, I was introverted and prefered to sit with my computer, writing, laying out a book, etc. She was an expert accountant; I had trouble remembering how much money I spent in a day. She liked costly clothes and also liked to see me similarly dressed; I just couldn't quite explain to her how the old and torn ones were just fine.

In spite of our differences, there was never a question of divorce or separation. Somehow or other we felt that our marriage was not simply a relationship between husband and wife. Many devotees and relatives had participated in our introduction and marriage. Even if we had broken our marriage, we might have been able to live separately from one another, but facing the shame and embarassment of our fiends and relatives-all of whom would have disapproved-would have been too much for either of us to bear. Such a thing was unthinkable. This is the safety net of varnasrama-dharma. When varnasrama-dharma is practiced in society, the opportunities to deviate are minimized. In varnasrama-dharma, everyone's business is everyone else's business. And since man is a social animal, a society in which proper behavior is expected and improper behavior is looked down upon helps keep all its members from creating disturbances.

After some time, we moved out of the temple. We started our own business and tried to cooperatively make it work. Because we were in India, and I was a foreigner there, I could not open a bank account, nor could I do business in my own name. So we had to do business in my wife's name. Naturally, she had ideas about how to do business, and I had other ideas about how to do business. But since she had control of the money, hers was the ultimate say. Yet at the same time, because I was the man-the husband-her expectations were that I should be the earner.

This was always a source of quarrel for us-she would accuse me of being "a lazy bum", and I would accuse her of trying to sabotage my plans and become the "big boss". After a somewhat bumpy post-honeymoon part of our marriage (when we really find out who we married), we both considered what was the actual cause of our problems, and what was the Krishna-conscious, or Vedic solution.

After the both of us deliberated on what was the Vedic solution, it became evident to us that if I was to be the earner, then I would have to have the freedom to work according to my means and ideas., thus I departed for my home country.

After coming back to America, I quickly found employment as a graphic designer-something I learned entirely from my experience serving in ISKCON. The pay well exceded my expectations, and it even surprised my own karmi family, who thought I needed a university degree to get the kind of job I landed. While serving in ISKCON, it isn't difficult to learn something that you can use to later support your family. Some devotees become expert salesmen or book distributors and either continue as such or they apply their skills in outside occupations. Others learn how to cook nicely and can open restaurants, or work as cooks, or sell prasadam, etc.

Sometimes we hear complaints like "I spent X years in ISKCON and now I can't earn a decent living." But the very nature of preaching means you use a wide variety of thoughtfully applied skills and talents to deliver Krishna's message.

It does not mean that a Vaisnava will be fool and rascal because he's Vaisnava. No. Vaisnava, twenty-six qualifications. One of the qualifications is daksa: he must be very expert in doing things very nicely. Not that because one is Vaisnava he'll be callous in the worldly things. No. Therefore I repeatedly request the management that you must be very expert in managing these temple affairs. Everything to the right point. Not a single farthing should be wasted. A Vaisnava must be daksa, expert in everything. This is no excuse, that "I have become a devotee. Therefore I am callous to all material things." What material things? Nirbandhah krsna-sambandhe yuktam vairagyam ucyate. Anything in relationship with Krsna, that is not material; that is spiritual. (Lecture, SB 1.7.40, Vrindavan, Oct. 1, 1976)

So how is it possible that one has been preaching for so many years and yet is unable to earn a living? If one sincerely works for Krishna and follows religious principles, without separate endeavor Krishna will maintain His devotee and give protection. Lord Krishna says ananyas cintayanto mam ye janah paryupasate / tesam nityabhiyuktanam yoga-ksemm vahamy aham, "But those who always worship me with exclusive devotion, meditating on My transcendental form-to them I carry what they lack, and I preserve what they have." (Bg 9.22)

After one year, my wife joined me in America. She wanted to work, and soon found a job. However, it should be noted that even though she was working, all household expenses, bills, etc. would be paid for out of my earnings. Whatever she earned was hers (never to be touched by me), and only if there was an emergency would we use it for the household, bills, etc., and that I must later reimburse her. Also, since she was better with saving money, she would manage whatever money came in. She is still responsible for seeing that the household affairs (cooking, laundry, ironing, etc.), are looked after. This arrangement works well.

Someone may say that all these duties are material, and that they have nothing to do with Krishna-consciousness--one who is liberated, one may do as she pleases. This is a wrong conclusion because even if one is liberated, one still has to perform prescribed duties in order to teach society how to act.

Kings like Janaka were all self-realized souls; consequently they had no obligation to perform the prescribed duties in the Vedas. Nonetheless they performed all prescribed activities just to set examples for the people in general.(Bg 3.20 purport)

Since ISKCON is a preaching movement, how can we preach if we are not setting a good example? Furthermore, anything which is used in relationship to Krishna, or for becoming Krishna-conscious, must not be considered material-nirbandha krsna sambandhe yukta-vairagya ucyate. This also applies to marriages. Here we find relevant instruction in the example of Maharaja Yadu:

Maharaja Yadu was very eager to engage himself in the Lord's service, but there was an impediment: during youth the material desire to enjoy the material senses is certainly present, and unless one fully satisfies these lusty desires in youth, there is a chance of one's being disturbed in rendering service to the Lord. We have actually seen that many sannyasis who accept sannyasa prematurely, not having satisfied their material desires, fall down because they are disturbed. (SB 9.18.40 purport)

In our marriage, we have found that the closer we follow prescribed duties as given to us by Srila Prabhupada, the easier and more hassle-free our relationship becomes. We have personally experienced that there is all good fortune in these instructions, even if they seem politically incorrect. We are not perfect, but we feel we have a marriage that works, and that it works because it has duty as its foundation, as per Srila Prabhupada's instructions, not "compatibility".

Just after my marriage, my wife and I took my mother and sister to see some places in India. At some point, my sister asked my wife, "How can you marry my brother if you never knew him before, or don't love him?" My wife replied, "In your country, you marry because you love each other, but the marriages don't work. If a marriage is based on love, then all your marriages should work out, but they don't." My sister further asked, "But what about love, how can you ever love him?" My wife then said, "When you are living so close to someone and serving them, don't you come to love someone? How do you people in your country fall in love in the first place? You meet somewhere at some party, in the work place, do something together, and before you know it, you fall in love. You don't usually fall in love from a distance. Even though two people don't know each other before marriage, after marriage they usually fall in love anyway. So it is better to get married and fall in love than to fall in love and get married. If the basis of your marriage is simply 'love', it will probably not work out. In India, everyone knows that the arranged marriages usually work out and that the love marriages usually fail, or husband and wife become very miserable."

As I said, we do not consider ourselves perfect, but we do seem to have a recipe for marriage that works well and seems to be in line with Srila Prabhupada's teachings. If anyone has questions about married life or would like to discuss freely on the subject, please feel free to contact us: Krishna-kirti das (HDG) or Urmila devi dasi (GKG)

Your servants, Krishna-kirti das and Urmila dd.

Also, please visit http://www.ghqd.org